My mind is my biggest enemy

Going against my sanity

Overthinking and conceiving yet

I don’t understand a thing

I just want to be me

Far as my eyes can see

Becoming harder to breathe

Memories starting to fade

Teardrops from yesterday

Fleeing from the pain to repair myself

I know I tend to say the wrong thing

But my mouth is from sailors you see

I’m sorry for any pain

I’m becoming a better person today

Life gets heavy

My heart still remains

Intentions of healing and peace are engraved

Letting go and allowing love in

I will do anything to make amends

Everyone has their own hurt

No ones compared to each other are worse

The world aches and cry’s for faith

I wish the hurt would just go away.

Side note- this is a rant so take it how you perceive it and let the rest be received.

I’m so over it. I am over always pretending and painting on some face that isn’t at all how I feel inside. I’m tired of society not accepting such behaviors and calling you out as a weak individual bc you had a bad day or have depression. I’m over people treating me like I’m less just because I’m sad or mad or even emotional in general. I’m just completely and flatly done with the bull shit. I don’t want any more fake relationships that end up in me getting hurt because I am selfless and the people I associate are mostly selfish. I hate it. The stigma. The fucking stigma of loosing a parent. Just because he’s gone and just because I post something that is only for me and my healing dose not mean I am suicidal or need help. I’m stable I am sane I am just dealing with a lot of guilt and regret and the one person who I want to talk to is gone. So yes honestly I’m over the shit. Same shit different week. I’m so done being used. Like I need people who can give me the same energy. Idk I am just lost I guess or whatever anyone else has to say. I know deep down my feelings are valid and bluntly don’t give one shit what anyone else’s has to say about the way I feel. No one knows your feelings but yourself and maybe that is for the best.

your eyes turned colors with the change in the waves.

waiting for the day I can see you face.

question my strength from deep within.

knowing the moment I touch the water I am in your divinity.

laid to rest with the saltiest kiss, it’s bittersweet

you are the reason I exists the reason I speak.

for that I am forever in debt, missing your smile, laugh and your breath.

watch over me kindly and guide my days.

may I never forget you love through how I was raised.

moments will never be the same but I always find comfort in the ocean waves.

Today was the first time I performed since having a panic attack in my senior year of high school right after my dad‘s death trying to perform a poem about him and I’m finally getting over that stage fright, everything you go through happens for a reason and despite the sarcasm and ignorance of that teacher I have a lot of respect for him from that. So thanks d

Idk lately I have been nothing but happy but under the fake smiles and false laughs I am still healing. I don’t think this pain will ever truly go away and I understand that it just sucks I just want to talk to him.

Your my sun,my sky

Keep me calm and hold me tight

Time with you just flies

Yet I don’t think I could ever say bye

Met you at the best moment

Couldn’t have

You call my heart and ease my mind

You make me thrive

Your personality is Devine

Keep me warm in the cold dark nights

Make me feel mighty fine

Couldn’t imagine you not in my life

After losing my dad I was filled with regret and anger. I didn’t understand why him, why now. Cancer took a toll on the whole family, being a constant factor of my dads decreasing health conditions. My heart is heavy and I am not sure that will go away. Don’t take small things for granted. That hug goodbye or just the soft smile is better then not having him there at all. I do at times find myself regretting the times I started drama or just were plain mean, you have to look past that. You have to focus on the good memories, the good times. It’s hard but each day I get up for my dad. I am still here because of him and am great full for everything he provided me with. I am currently sitting on a plane to Florida to stay on the boat. I need closure and being on the boat for a few days can give me a chance to let goof the boat. The worst part about it is when the memories start to fade. It’s like waiting for a call you will never receive. I know he is there with me but hearing his voice soothes my soul. I wish things could have gone down different and maybe not even got cancer at all but that is life. Dad, like you is will find the positive in each day and never let anyone stop me from achieving my dreams. I love you and hope you watch over me.

Moving down here has honestly been one of the hardest things I have done. Besides loosing my dad moving 1000 plus miles away is a lot. I knew things wouldn’t be the same, I didn’t think they were going to be. I went into the journey with a clear mind and relaxing heart. Despite prior issues I have grown into a wonderful person and am still evolving. See the hardest part about this all was him. The fact that I’m here without him. Everyday I try and wake up with a positive mindset and strive to continue his grace and beauty in the world. I want to just talk to him once more and tell him I am sorry and miss him and how much I truly appreciated him. Honestly without him in my life I would not be me. Yes it sucks and yes it’s said but at the end of the day we all make a choice. Everyone has bad days first of all. But are you the type of person who is going to let thoes bad days define you or are you going to realize what you should and shouldn’t spend your time on and how your feelings attribute to your well being. It’s all about self love and discovery. My heart may never be fixed but I know deep down he’s with me and to know that and hold that in my heart is the best I can get for now. So I guess what I am trying to say is don’t give up even when things are hard. Healing takes time, and that’s totally fine. Love yourself and set the negativity free. The hatred will only hurt you in the end. I just don’t have room in my heart for that anymore that’s all.

Today was the first time I felt like myself in a while. The one thing that connects me most with the ocean is the fact my dad was dropped to lay at rest there. So when it comes to the ocean that’s my life end of story. Today was the second time I went diving without him, each time it hurts but weirdly enough I can feel his presence when I’m there when I’m happy like he’s watching me.

The hardest thing about realizing the loss of a parent is accepting it. Within the last few months I have dove into a new world, new school, new friends, new start. Why you ask I still feel empty? I truly do believe in healing and I believe that everything gets better with time but somethings so traumatic will always leave a hole in my heart and I’m not trying to be all sappy and sad it’s just at the end of the day he’s not there. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and going to the beach and just not talking to him but Innoway spending time with him spending time on my self reflecting on the good things in life pulling together the strength I need to get through the days.

I won’t give up no matter how hard my days become, no matter how heavy my heart gets no matter what happens around me that’s out of my control I won’t give up. I want to be able to look up and no my dad is proud I wanna be able to make him proud and make myself proud of the daughter he raised I want to better myself for him.

In one of my classes we had to reflect on what was the most important lesson learned in life. For me that is always tell people you love them no matter what you’re going through, no matter what’s on your mind show others you care. One day you might wake up in your world will be taken from under you without hesitation.

It’s OK to not be 0K andit’sOK to have hard days you just have to pull together enough to take that breath and continue, push past all the bullshit.

Whether you know it or not you’re important in your life matters everything happens for a reason and you just have to continue to be hopeful of the outcome and optimistic in order to live a peaceful life.

Music is such a good way to just escape reality. Ever since my dad passed away I’ve been trying to write a song but nothing seems to stick. It’s like I’m trying to get the words out but I just don’t know what to say, it’s harder than it looks. I think I just need to find some inspiration. I have recently got back into vinyl records which were a huge part of how I grew up in the person I am today. A week before my dad passed away he gave me my favorite record which is dreams by Fleetwood Mac on vinyl and ever since then it says vinyl speak to me it’s a whole completely different sound. It’s almost like listening through a different time era kind of gives you a way to just hold in on the music and let it take over. Growing up I had a pretty musical family. My stepdad is a blues musician who plays piano and sings in a band called the benefit blues band. From the time he and my mom were together until now I’ve ended up going to see he’s been working and learning to love music at a young age. The thing I love most about John is he loves music and you can tell he doesn’t perform for the money, all of his proceeds actually go to charities. On that note last night we were going through his old record collection despite a lot of them whom I’m not familiar with. I ended up finding and falling in love with one of my new found favorite artist. Super tramp. If you haven’t listened to them I definitely suggest they’re pretty cool futuristic kind of eclectic style. It’s different from other things, a lot of music sounds the same but they have a distinct sound making a difference.

 This shit is hard. It takes a lot to not be inside all day and not enable yourself to be depressed. I think if you look at life in a different way more positively you can change your mindset and change the way you react to situations. The coronavirus is a curse and a blessing at the same time. Personally I am an optimistic person and always try to look at things in a positive direction. Even for me it has been difficult to pull myself together at times and focus on what’s important to my family. My point being it is so beautiful outside today, despite the crisis going on in the world we are alive. My mom is alive, my stepdad, the two people that I care about most in the world, are still thriving. You have to have hope to get through this, you have to be able to put aside the fears of getting sick in the fears of the public and other people to make it through. It’s important for your own health but for your family is for the mentality of your family. With Easter being so close family is a crucial part of daily life. My grandma‘s birthday is this Saturday and even with all of this stuff going on we are still going to be able to see her. Even if it’s just through her window at her house I want to be there for her. Think about all the grandparents that have gone through the depression and going through so many other things to just have another thing on their plate and with him being how old they are it puts them at a higher risk making their families stress out. So if you haven’t talked to your grandparents in a while, just call and say hi. I know they would appreciate it more than you would begin to know. My grandma is going to be 75 and she is still the same amazing, cookie baking dog lover I know.