Day by Day

Today was hard. I miss him a lot. It is the kinda miss that tears out your heart. Leaving you nothing but an empty heart. I just want to call him, talk to him and hear his voice but I can’t. That is the worst part about it. I can’t. I don’t have power. He is gone and I can’t do anything about it. You never really get shit until you go through it and let me tell you my mind is just frazzled. I have a lot of guilt and regret. I regret not seeing him more and not moving there when I had the chance to years past. I regret not calling him more and being able to hear his silly laugh. I regret the fact that I could be the one who caused pain. It’s silly I know but if I had been there instead of here would things be different. I hate cancer. I am still trying to understand why the hell it had to be him. He was so f***ing cool. He scuba dived and taught me everything he knows. He fished and would create amazing dishes just to get me to eat seafood. The fact is he was there for me even if I didn’t need him he was always there. I truly am heartbroken but know I have to stay strong. It’s just exhausting saying I’m okay when I am not. Putting on a smile so people don’t ask if I’m okay. I find myself in the middle of class day dreaming, tears streaming down my cheeks as I keep replaying the memories we made. I just wish I had more time. I wish he could see me graduate and walk me down the aisle. Small things like that you won’t get back are the main reason of my pain. I’m alright just trying to find a way to proceed without him.